I heard about the intimacy-autonomy scale also from my therapist a while back and my time in hospital has brought me back to thinking about it. Although I’m bored witless here on the ward, I haven’t been at all depressed. Not even flashes of negative thoughts. Okay, there are many factors at play here. It’s extremely relaxing, even through the aches and pains. There are no responsibilities, no deadlines, and no stupid decisions that I have to follow daily. Things here are very simple. Relax. Don’t move much. Let the staff take care of me. Sounds like a luxury holiday at some expensive resort, doesn’t it? Still, one other thing I’ve noticed is that I enjoy every moment of and look forward to every visit from W – and that’s daily.

So what’s the difference? Is it just that I react badly to the other stresses and see things about W more negatively in that state? I have a feeling that that’s not the case. I’m guessing that here I am completely autonomous, much like while we were dating. At home, the intimacy (non-sexual) is much, much higher. Perhaps that intimacy is too high for my tolerance levels. If it is, it’ll be good to know because it will give us a specific target to work on and resolve. I guess I’ll find out soon since I’m released tomorrow and return home.

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