The Rules of Fear


The most common question I get asked when explaining what my relationship model is is, “Aren’t you afraid that if you allow your wife to see other men, that she’ll leave you or have another man’s child or catch a disease?”

The short answer is: No.

The long answer is:
I have a number of issues with the question:

  1. You’re assuming that only heterosexual relationships are of any importance.
  2. You’re assuming that I have control over her emotions when she meets others.
  3. You’re assuming that I should control her emotions and how she interacts with others.
  4. You’re assuming that I should deal with fear by trying (however vainly) to completely avoid the situation.
  5. You’re assuming a monoamorous model where you should leave a partner when you find another.
  6. You’re assuming that she isn’t responsible enough to use protection with other men.
  7. You’re assuming that following a monoamorous style will actually mean that the rules associated with them will be adhered to if you can even agree on what they are.

So, to answer that very loaded question properly, I’d have to say: I don’t want to try to control my Wife’s relationships with other people, even if I thought that was possible without locking her in a cell. I enjoy giving her the freedom to experience and express the full range of her emotions and any fears I have are my own to deal with and work on. Our relationship is explicitly open, so there is no need to break off relations with me to enjoy relations with others. I trust her to act responsibly while having sex and she is perfectly welcome to have children with others, so long as they take part in being a father to them.

These are seriously flawed assumptions. How many monoamorous relationships break up because of perceived cheating (You always make eyes at her! – I’m only looking!)? How many affairs are without protection? How many relationships break up because one or both partners are too insecure to let their partners be themselves? How many relationships completely change a person just because they are in a relationship (we’ve all had friends that suddenly disappeared because they got in to a relationship)?

The points you fear in polyamory are points that also exist in monoamory. They’re just hidden. Realize what you’re avoiding, but that is always hanging over your shoulder anyway. Consciously choose your way of doing it, but don’t let fear rule your love. It will poison it.

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