I’ve heard some people say that polyamory is just because you can’t commit.

I beg to differ. Looking back at some relationship choices that I’ve made, I have refused to start a few relationships because of fear. Fear that she was not ideal – or at least close enough to the image I had of an ideal woman. After all, the choice should be for life, so it had better be a damned good one.
This wasn’t true in my early years, but certainly as I approached 30, the social pressure increased to find a partner for life and settle down.
I ended a perfectly good relationship simply because we were living in different countries and it didn’t look like we would move in together (how about that for the evils of the relationship escalator?). I refused to start another two relationships because of fears that she would be dependent on me financially. I even refused two relationships because she was not beautiful enough. How disgusting is that?

Strictly speaking though, this is not commitment. However, it is hard to commit when you won’t take the first step and furthermore when taking the first step is already a commitment intended to start on the relationship escalator with the intention to live together and have a family together. That’s a hard decision to make when you barely know the other person. I dare say, it’s also a completely unreasonable expectation. No-one actually told me that this was their expectation of me, but I inferred it from media images of relationships as well as comments from friends such as, “I’m looking for husband material.” (that at a ripe old age of 17)

So, after that meandering ramble, I am now at the stage where I am much more willing to commit to a relationship because I’m not looking for wife material. I’m not looking for a match to some imagined ideal of a fantasy woman that doesn’t exist anywhere. I’m not even looking at all any more. If there’s a natural mutual spark of attraction, I’ll just see where that goes. There is no need to force it or constrain it in any way, shape or form. I’m free to take a risk and take a plunge…

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Gul says:

    Well written… The best thing about your posts is that they are HONEST!


    1. polyhydra says:

      Thanks Gul. Sometimes, the best lessons in life are from the worst mistakes.


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