Poly and Jealousy


This Poly and Jealousy post by Serolynne is a good one worth sharing.

I’ve talked about my opinions on jealousy as an emotion before, but this mild semantic disagreement can be ignored. For starters, Serolynne separates envy from fear and defines jealousy as a specific kind of fear – fear of losing your partner. I’m not so sure about this and believe that what people call jealousy could have a number of different root emotions. Nevertheless, this minor disagreement is irrelevant to the rest of her post.

She very accurately describes the ways in which you can deal with jealousy as well as the limited way in which default society deals with it – avoidance of the trigger(s). I’d like to expand on this by drawing parallels to the same emotion without the jealous trigger. I hope that this will highlight just how futile it is to pursue this as the one and only coping mechanism. Imagine you have another fear – let’s say of spiders (you can play this through your own mind with any fear).
You can take any measures you like to try to avoid spiders, but unless you go so extreme that you seriously impact your ability to function in society, you will eventually have to face your fear. You could lash out and kill the spider or run away from it (draw parallels here with lashing out against your partner or leaving them), but the solution is only temporary and you may have lost something very beautiful in the process. You will eventually face that fear again. It’s unsustainable.

Imagine dealing with other emotions and situations in the same way. You’re envious that someone else has a sports car. You could trash the car so that they don’t have it any more. You could take it, so that you now have it. You could try to get all sports cars banned from where you hang out. There are numerous other things you could do, but it’s pretty clear that if you act out to try to control other individuals or the environment, you’ll be a criminal or just downright arrogant and freaky.

In that sense, I don’t see why jealousy should get a get out of jail free card (it can be used in defense to mitigate sentences of assault and murder). Even more so, I don’t see why it should be elevated to a positive thing – a sign of true love.

Jealousy is not a positive thing. If you think it is, remember that it’s based on emotion. The trigger doesn’t have to be real or true – merely perceived. Imagine your partner physically, socially or emotionally attacking another not because anything actually happened, but just because they thought it did. Not so sweet anymore, is it? It’s not a sign of how much they love you, but rather how unstable they are or maybe how emotionally immature they are.

Peace and love all…

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One Comment Add yours

  1. thegirlwithamindofherown says:

    I handle that by visiting with my friend Ben. My poly buddy. 🙂

    Like

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