I’ve revisited my feelings in the relatively recent past and shockingly, it seems like an eternity ago. It may have been a long time in the making, but I think that I’ve matured and grown more in the last couple of years than in the last couple of decades.
A couple of years ago, I was betrayed. Due to that betrayal, I lost a great love. I lost my own self-worth. I lost a great trust with the person closet to me.
The betrayer separated me from a wonderful woman who inspired me and brought joy to my life. The betrayer told me repeatedly that it was all my fault, that I had to pay penance and make sacrifices to atone for my sins. The betrayer convinced me that the punishment was worth the sin. The betrayer made me fearful that I would lose my best friend if I told him the whole truth. The betrayer was a dark and evil person. The betrayer was me.
I accepted far more and far more severe punishments than fit the mistakes that I had made. I accepted that through these punishments, I would be cleansed of my sins. When I finally realized that no amount of self-flagellation would make amends – that my sin was unforgivable – I decided that the only sensible and logical option was to kill myself.
Infinite punishment for a finite crime. Worthless and unforgivable. Self-sacrifice. It all sounds so Christian yet I have never been religious. I didn’t need to be religious. All I needed was to buy in to the doctrine. Although I was encouraged to do so, I didn’t need to accept it.
You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. – Timber Hawkeye
Likewise, you don’t have to accept what you are told. No one can give you self-worth but yourself. I learned this the hard way, but thankfully I did learn and I cannot thank those close to me enough – especially my brother – for helping me learn that lesson.
It’s a very tough time for me now and I don’t seem to have any options for getting out of it, but nevertheless I will not forget and I will continue to believe in myself and hope that an opportunity will present itself that I can take to escape this trap I am currently in.